Living in Mexico

I have been living in Mexico for the last 6 months and there are so many things about Mexico I love.
First, the weather. In the last 6 months we have had rain for 5 days, only 2 in succession. It is generally around 26 or 27 degrees here, in Progreso de Obregon.
Second, the culture. Mexican culture is so rich and diverse from State to State. In Hidalgo there are many...rituals that are unique to this State. I visited the Popular Art Museum in Mexico City and I was absolutely dumbfounded by the amount of diversity and the craftsmanship of all the crafts and arts there. It was an experience I will always remember. I filled 2 memory cards on my camera with pictures.
Third, the people. Mexican people are some of the kindest, warmest, caring people I have ever met. Coming from a country where people will step over a dying man because they don't want to get sued or think the person is a drug addict or might rob them, it was quite a shock. Making friends in Vancouver was difficult to say the least. Making friends here is as easy as could be, and you are automatically part of their family. I have had so many people that became my friends and are willing to offer any possible help you could need at any time. They give you respect for the most part, a devotion you could not find anywhere else. From listening to others, I thought Mexicans were dirty, poor, uneducated people. Nothing could be further from the truth. Every morning, almost every household and business goes out and washes the sidewalk, picks up any garbage and makes sure everything is clean and tidy. When you go into a store, it is spotless and organized and the people are friendly and willing to help, but never solicit you to buy something. It is nice to go shopping in the local markets. Mind you, there are places where you will go, mainly where there are large groups of Taquerias, and they will holler at you to come eat there, listing off what they have. It can be a bit annoying, but it doesn't happen everywhere. I have been adopted into a very large family who treats me as though I was born and raised as their son. Growing up in Foster homes, never really feeling like I belonged to a family, it is a very nice feeling. Also, they have MANY fiestas (parties). Birthdays are very large family and friends gatherings with lots of food, alcohol and music. At first I expected a drunken bash where everyone was out of control, fighting, arguing or just being stupid, but it was exactly the opposite. Everyone is very polite, fun loving and even the few that get really drunk are happy drunks, dancing and having fun. Everyone makes sure everyone else has enough to eat, enough to drink, and they love to talk about all sorts of things. Mexican people are generally well educated. Their Education system here is top notch. It is free all through school. In University they may have to pay a small amount, depending on their subject, but they pay back the Government by spending some time working in Government service or for a Company that has an agreement with the Government. This gives the students practical experience in their chosen field and at the same time, they pay for their schooling. It is an amazingly efficient system. I have met very few people here who do not have a degree of some sort. If they don't it's because they went to school before this system was initiated and couldn't afford to go to school. However, those are usually the people who have successful businesses and are very intelligent. So thinking that because Mexico is considered a 2nd or 3rd world country, the people are uneducated bumbling dirt farmers, it is totally misconceived. The highways and roads here, while confusing to those who don't know them, are extremely efficient. While I haven't been to any of the really big cities, what I have seen, the stereotypical rush hour traffic jam isn't very common here.
Also, groceries are pretty cheap here when you consider what we pay for them elsewhere. I can buy a months worth of groceries (fruits, vegetables, meat, bread, condiments, dog food, cat food, etc.) for less than $70 Canadian. In Canada, for a month, it cost me well over $500 a month for food!!
The public transportation here is simply amazing. You never have to wait for more than 5 minutes for a bus travelling to the local araes, and you pay 5 1/2 pesos. To travel by the larger buses to say, in my case, Pachuca (the capital city of Hidalgo State, an hour bus ride), I pay 28 pesos, which is $2.80 Canadian, roughly. I paid that much in Vancouver for a city bus, and only for 1 Zone!
I simply love it here, and have the utmost respect for Mexicans. In every aspect of their lives, they are resourceful, efficient, organized, respectful, thoughtful and intelligent. It blows me away. I will never regret coming here. My only difficult dealing with any person here has been my sister, who, of course, is Canadian and has the stereotypical mindset of a Canadian. "I am the center of the Universe. I am the only person that matters and screw anyone else." That mindset is a large part of the reason I left Canada. Total lack of respect for others, total lack of caring for the problems of others, friends, family or not. Here, while money is of course important, Mexicans have a full complete life, full of family, friends, recreation, most of them enjoy their work, they laugh and enjoy their lives. In Canada, everywhere you looked, people are miserable, with their work, family, friends, everything. Even when things are going good, they want more. Mexican culture is 'be happy with what you have, don't ask for more because if you get greedy you might lose what you have'. The money driven society of North America is everything I hate. In Canada, a person wouldn't be caught dead riding on a piece of crap bicycle. It had to be new, shiny and something others thought was nice, a status symbol. Others simply though if you rode a bike, you were lower than those with a vehicle. It disgusts me. Here, you will see a guy riding a crappy bike with his girlfriend on the handlebars or standing on the pegs at the back wheel, happy and not worried with what others think. Everytime I see that, it reminds me that is how it should be. 'Needing' an expensive bike, car, house, or whatever, living outside of your means is just plain silly in Mexican culture. Those that have those things are the people who outright own them, no credit or crap like that. Who needs the stress? Not me, and not many of the Mexicans I have met. Life is more complete here, simpler here, and by far, a lot happier.

Dark Days

I don't know where else to put these thoughts than here. Lately it seems everything I try to do runs into a massive wall of resistance. Work, love life, health, home, family.... it doesn't seem to end and I am so frustrated, stressed, confused, depressed and just want to melt into a puddle and never have to deal with anything again.
I have been so depressed and stressed out that I recently started thinking about suicide again for the first time since I was 19. I won't do it, the main reasons being my dog and cat. If something happened to me, they'd be lost. Neither of them eat when I am gone, they wait until I come home. I am their world and they are mine. But what really bothers me is that I keep thinking of it, like it's some kind of actual solution to anything, which I know it's not. I just..... I dunno.... I came to Mexico expecting it to be this fantastic thing because I'd be with my sister again, I'd be teaching, which I have always wanted to do, and it turned out the my sister is a total fucking waste of flesh, energy and life. I hate her. She has done everything she can to make my life miserable and all I have done is try to help her with her business. She is used to being able to talk to people any way she wants and treating them any way she wants, and I won't let her. So she get's pissed that I don't lie down and take it like everyone else. I have never been so disappointed in my life than meeting my sister again. What's worse is that even if I wanted to, I couldn't go back to Canada because I spent every dime I had to come down here (sooner than I wanted to because of my sister pleading, saying she needed me here now) so am now dependant on my paychecks. Everything is so fucked up.
I just can't stop being so depressed and thinking of suicide and it really really bothers me. I put on the happy face and smiles for everyone until I get home, then I just want everyone to leave me alone because I don't want to pretend to be happy anymore. I want to cry and crawl into bed and never get out... but I can't and don't let myself, so I guess that's something. People depend on me and I know that if anything ever happened to me, it wouldn't just be my pets that would be hurt, all my students who miss me so much when I am gone for a day sick. Sometimes I wonder if the people I call my friends here would really miss me, but I know they'd be hurt too. That is why I would never commit suicide, it's the most selfish act of all, and it's a cowards way out. I have never been a coward and don't intend to start now. I just wish...I dunno, that things would work out. Work is finally sorted out. I am quitting my sisters school in 4 weeks and will be teaching at the local private schools only. I will be moving soon, which is going to be stressful on my wallett, but I need to do it for my mental well being, so that is good. I just need to meet a nice woman to spend time with and help me not think of all this stupid shit I think about when I am alone, and focus on her. Is that a healthy solution?? I dunno, but I know it'd work, so...

Love

Watch this video first. - http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=39029005

 I keep watching this, as it's sent to me repeatedly over time, and I cry every time. The complete and total love an animal gives us is such an amazing thing that we take forgranted. When put onto the scale of an animal that would, in normal circumstances, tear us apart, it shows that when you give your love unconditionally, it is never forgotten. Don't be afraid to love with all your heart. If it's even for a month, a year or a lifetime, it changes lives for the better and that experience will never fade. If we all let ourselves love that way, we'd have a planet of equality, where there were no rich or poor. Everyone would have enough to eat, and there'd be no war. We'd all treat each other with the common respect that we all deserve. It starts with love. Now, saying that, don't think I'm one of these people that's never seen a hard days work or lived a sheltered perfect life. I grew up in a household where each and every day, virtually since birth (according to my mother), I waited for the day when I would finally be beaten to death. I was forced to live in a room in the basement because my step-mom didn't want me a part of "her family". I lived alone, afraid, confused, angry and scared. I didn't speak for many years because at home, every time I did, I was punched or kicked or hit with something. I trusted nobody, because the kids at school knew there was something different about me, and picked on me. I was an outcast, without friends until I was 12. I was thrown in a lake to drown, saved by someone on shore who saw what was happening, run over by my Dad and a friend in a Jeep who thought it would be funny. My legs, nose, hands and feet have all been broken. My face and skull fractured multiple times, jaw fractured, teeth broken, ribs bruised. At that day and age, the cops didn't get involved in family matters, and seeing how my Dad was one of the more influential people of the community, I doubt the cops would have stepped in if they could. Psychologists figure that around 3 or 4, I have had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My nightmares so vivid and clear, they make real life pale in comparison. I can see, hear, smell and taste everything with such clarity, that when I wake from them, It sometimes takes days for the memory to fade. I was 7 the first time I tried to commit suicide. I thought I could electrocute myself, but instead gave myself one very uncomfortable zap and blew a few fuses in the house. Luckily my Dad never figured it out. I tried multiple times over the years, and nearly succeeded twice, being found unconscious, no pulse, but brought back by the EMT. I fought with anyone that even looked at me wrong. My first fight was in Pre-School, where I knocked a kid off a table, rendering him unconscious, because he took a piece of Lego from me. I fought so many times, I can't even count them all. The RCMP at one point asked me to leave the town I was living in, on behalf of the community because the parents were scared for their children's safety. I was 17 at the time. I of course eventually ended up in prison, sentenced 10 days before my 20th birthday to 7 years for Aggravated Assault, Robbery, Possession of a Prohibited weapon, and Breach Of Probation. I escaped my second year into my sentence, was eventually caught, given another 3 months, and shipped to a Maximum Security Penitentiary where I spent the majority of my remaining 5 years. Sitting in my cell one day during a lock-down because of a stabbing, I decided that I had one of two choices to make that would decide the rest of my life. Prior to the lock-down, I had been forcefully raped by someone I considered a friend. Up to that point in my life, I had never known a hate so complete and strong, nor had I ever felt so...unclean. I wanted to kill him, but the lockdown happened, and it triggered a chain of thinking in me that made me decide that if I killed him, then I'd be there, for the rest of my life, possibly dying there. Or, I could deal with it somehow, and do whatever it was I needed to do to make sure I never came back. I chose to change and get away from these people once and for all. But how? I had never known a "decent" life. I had never had to pay rent, buy groceries, pay bills, all of that. How? How do people act in the real world? I needed some kind of guide to change the direction of my moral compass. So, I decided that religion would give the basics, a good guideline to start with, and work from there. I started researching world religions, trying to find one that clicked with me. I find it funny, that given how I had lived my life up to then, I came to Buddhism and found something there that resonated within me. So that's where I started. I was only looking for a general guideline, but what I found was a complete map to achieve everything I wanted to do. I also started taking programs offered by the prisons that focused on Anger Management, Communication Skills, Relationships, and finally, a program called The Violent Offenders Program. I also managed to inadvertently start a Buddhist group in two of the prisons in the area and finding a Buddhist Nun who came in every two weeks to talk with me and anyone else interested. We became very close friends, and I still listen to her words today, even though she passed on. During the Violent Offenders Program, I was made to take myself apart, examine each piece, and put it back using new tools and thought processes. However, it triggered a lot of anxiety within me because it stirred up a lot of stuff I had put away and "forgot" about. I developed an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I counted relentlessly, everything had to be in perfect rows, or lined up in a perfect way. I played Solitaire relentlessly, always having the cards to be perfectly lined up, shuffling the cards only three times each time. Looking back on it now, I think it was because my mind was working so hard on dealing with my past, and I wanted some kind of distraction to not think about it, so I did whatever I could to keep myself thinking of anything but the bad stuff that happened in my past. One thing that happened during the program, was a letter from my Dad. We had formed a loose relationship after I was sentenced. He had quit drinking, and quite probably felt guilty about where I was. So, we sent letters back and forth every once in a while, and I told him I was in this program, trying to work stuff out. In reply, I got a letter where my Dad told me he was proud of me for all the work I was doing, and that he loved me. That I was his son, and no matter what happened, nothing would change that, and he would never stop loving me. 25 years I waited to hear those words, never actually thinking it'd happen. I cried for two days, feeling so much relief, a huge weight seemed to be taken from me. I passed the program, it ending just 3 months before the end of my sentence. MY program facilitators pushed for me to be released to a half-way house so I could have a chance to secure a job and gradually get used to how much the world had change, and learn how much I had changed. I was scared to death. I was sentenced in 1991, and released in 1998. in that time, computers had become common place, there was this thing called Debit, and I wasn't 19 anymore. It was hard getting used to being able to go wherever I wanted. I once found myself standing outside of a store, waiting for someone to open the door, because I wasn't used to being allowed to open doors and just go in. I didn't trust debit at all because I couldn't see the money, and thought that somehow they were stealing from me. I got onto a computer and my mind, which was normally very active, switched into overdrive. I was now able to access the worlds collective information, and free porn!!! The lady that owned an internet cafe close to my half-way house and I started talking and she helped me find a job in her sister's restaurant as a waiter. I was soon making a paycheck, and found that having that money in my pocket made me feel like I was on top of the world. Which, for my situation, I was. My probation officer was really impressed with how far I went in such a short time and increased the time I was allowed to be away from the half-way house during my off work hours. I had decided that in order to keep myself out of trouble, I needed to stay away from those that were also prone to trouble. So, I didn't make any friends at the half-way house. I started making friends at the restaurant, and eventually met a girl. Jenn was my first love, at 28. Though I was in love with her, she never gave her heart to me, instead using me for money and attention, which she could never get enough of. She dated guys, all the while flirting with me. By now, I had rented a basement suite in the home of one of the waitresses from the restaurant, and talked with her about it all. She told me to get away from her, but I couldn't. Eventually, through a series of horrible events, I moved away out of desperation to get away from her. I moved in with my Dad, who was the one who told me to pack my things and leave a.s.a.p before something bad happened. Over the years, I have met many women, held many jobs, and at times forgotten my history, which has ended me up in trouble. Though, 10 years later, I am not back in prison (they had given me 6 months before they thought I'd be back) and while I do still struggle, like everyone else, I have something now that I never had until I decided to make a change in my life. Hope. I've left out a lot, but the gist is that anyone, even someone who has seen the worst of life, is able to love freely, because it is in every one of us and it never disappears. I am moving to Mexico in 4 weeks to help my sister manage her English Schools and teach english, something I have always wanted to do, but because of my criminal record, can't in Canada. I have a dog and a cat that are my life. They both love me in a way a human being never could. Daily they remind me that no matter what, they love me and care about me. I have learned in life, that love is what makes the difference. A person who let's their heart open to others, with no expectations, no limits, is able to change anybody else's day with a smile, or an unexpected compliment, because there is nothing else behind it. No ulterior motive, no expectations. They do it because they simply want others to be happy. Some people call them "Random Acts of Kindness", and until you've done one, you never truly know how rewarding it is to know you've given and not had any expectations associated with it. One evening, I was out with a girlfriend and her daughter. We stopped in at a McDonald's to have something to eat, and noticed a homeless guy was sitting in the far corner, where there was no one around, eating a sandwich he had made from the few things he had. It was cold outside, and he had come in to eat where it was warm. Meanwhile, up front at the counter, a group of young men came in, and were giving the girl at the counter a hard time, eventually making her cry. The manager didn't say a word, even though he was right behind her. But, the manager noticed the homeless guy and kicked him out. Granted, he wasn't a paying customer, but he wasn't bothering anyone either. Whereas the manager wouldn't kick out the guys who were causing problems and harassing his staff because he simply wanted their money. So, being irked by the whole deal, I went and bought a meal and took it out to the homeless guy. When I walked up to him, the look of fear in his eyes made me sick. He thought I was coming to give him grief. When I told him that I didn't think what had happened in there was fair and offered him the meal, he hesitated to take it. When he took it, he seemed embarrassed. But at least he was going to get a warm meal (although it was a greasy McD's burger), and that not everyone despised him because he was homeless. I didn't do it to make myself feel good, I didn't tell anyone I was going to do it, or make a show of it, I did it because he couldn't and I could. What's $7.00 to me?? But to him $7.00 was out of reach. Giving a stranger a compliment, a smile or stopping to help someone in trouble can make a world of difference. We worry too much about what someone might do to us, or that they might want money. We think the worst of others, but complain about how negative and uncaring the world has become. We're all to blame, not some cosmic force of good and bad, us!! You know how I changed my path in life? I changed the way I thought. Changing the way we think, changes our perspective. Changing our perspective, changes our lives. You want a better world to live in and raise your family? Then do something about it, change the way you think of others. If you catch yourself thinking a negative though, stop yourself and change it to a positive thought, it's that simple! Start with catching yourself swearing in your mind and changing it to something else. You'll notice that you won't swear out loud as often. That will make you seem less angry and confrontive to others and that'll make them more at ease with you. Try giving a compliment to each member of your household every day. Your entire family will be happier and any stress in the household will disappear. These are the simplest of things for us to do, but we don't do it. Why? Because we don't stop to think outside of ourselves, we don't stop to think of how we impact those around us, friends, family and strangers!! I use this example a lot, but it explains very clearly what I mean. Get a piece of paper and a pencil. In the center, draw a circle and put the word "Me" in it. This is you every day. Now, draw five circles that slightly overlap yours, so that when you're done, it looks like a flower, with you at the center. This represents the people you come into contact with. Whether at home, at work, or walking down the street, your interaction with them affects their day as much as they affect yours. Each one of those people you interact with have the same effect on others they come into contact with. It's a chain reaction. If you are in a bad mood and are walking down the street, bumping into people, just barging through, each person you come into contact with will have that negativity imprinted on their experiences for that day and they will pass it on to those they come into contact with. However, if you are in a good mood, walking down the street with a smile on your face, saying hi to those that look at you, that positivity is passed on to them and that goes to influence the rest of their day. This is how we change the world to be a better place. By sharing your good mood with those around you, you make your imprint on others that is passed on exponentially!! So, when I see that video, it reminds me of how open animals are with their love, they don't hold back. They wait for someone to show themselves an enemy before treating them like one. We consider ourself to be the superior species, yet fail so miserably when it comes to showing the most base of emotions even to those we care for. Start taking literally the saying "Love like you've never been hurt.", try some random acts of kindness - a compliment, give someone in line-up at the store that 10 cents they are short, SOMETHING. We've all had these things happen to us at one point or another, and know how nice it is, so why not try to give that feeling to someone else, for no other reason than to make your effort at creating a better world to live in.